Monday, January 12, 2009

Creator

I don't know why I go cold. I don't understand why I rebel. I don't know why.

I still love you so. But I do not show it now. Not to my neighbor. Not to my wife. Not to my children.

I am keeping myself away from you all because I am ashamed. I know why a man clams up and folds in upon himself. I know why he does this. For shame he does this. Because with each passing day the potentiality of him diminishes. And he is aware of it when he wakes in the middle of the night. And in the morning when he feels he has had no rest.

I am keeping myself away from you all because I am proud. And I know I have no reason to be. That I am not what I should have been or what I am meant to be.

I am keeping my thoughts to myself now because I don't have the energy to explain myself. Because I know that words will only fail me.

I am writing in the dark because I cannot tell you these things. That I am fragile. That I need you all. I am proud and I hate myself for it.

I have not been to Mass in over a month. I am sad that this is so, because I know it is my only refuge. I know it is a man's only hope. But I am proud and I know I should not be. And I know you will have me, imperfect as I am. And I know that you love me. But I starve myself of you, because I know I could never deserve you.

But at the same time, I know what this says about me. That my faith is being tested. That I am going through the desert and the One i should be petitioning for my soul I am ignoring. These machinations of the human mind... I am a master of them.

I am sorry for not walking with you. I am sorry for evicting you all from my heart these last months. I am tired. And my house is a mess. And I am not worthy to receive you.

I am oh so proud despite how small I am. And on this lonely island I suffer purposefully in isolation. I do not understand me.

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